I can’t believe that it has gotten this far. I have been living a double life for so long. Lying to everyone I know for so long,
I don’t know what is real or what has grown from my lies and deception.
At this point, it no longer matters anyway. Like standing in quicksand, my world has been sinking ever so slightly with each new bill. I convinced myself I would be able to pay it off. Each statement that came was bigger than the one before.
Like an avalanche, you don’t know where it began. I didn’t waste money, rather out of necessity, not trusting my wife enough to let her into my secret world. She had no idea what I was getting myself into. That was on purpose. Protecting her and my daughter seemed to be the only real objective I had at the end. I wanted to make sure that they could move on without me.
I took out a life insurance policy, knowing that this was the only thing left I was able to give to the people I love most.
It was money to clean up my debt after I was gone. The only thing I did do right was to take care of my health. The only thing in my favor was my age. Finding out that I was dead more worth than alive was a shocking fact, but one that I saw as the way out.
I had every intention of doing it. Staying up nights planning how it would all happen. Kissing my loving wife, and my baby daughter goodnight, and pretending to drift off to sleep. Countless nights staying awake and planning my demise. Covering every base, going through every stipulation on how I would get away with suicide. If people would find out, it would be a fate worse than my wife knowing how I had doomed us to poverty through my debt.
Making sure to take my own life in an undiscoverable way became an obsession. Frankly, had I spent as much time working at a minimum wage job as I did planning my death, I could made a dent in my debt and stayed with my family.
But I didn’t I took this course and will never be able to look back.
When the time came, I couldn’t go through with it. In the very last hour, even death I couldn’t sacrifice for others.
My punishment now is to stay hidden, forever, faking I am dead, and changing my identity was the only way out.